Party time! Do you love it or dread it? Autosuggestions, affirmations, visualisations and self-hypnosis to overcome social anxiety, shyness and lack of confidence

 

It’s getting to that time of year when lots of social events, parties, business socials, lunches, kids parties, pub get-togethers and the like start to loom on the horizon. Many folks look forward to such events with glee and excitement. But a considerable number of people start to get anxious and full of dread at these prospects, feeling not so confident in social environments, tongue-tied, self-conscious, nervous, awkward, clumsy, blushing, and so on.. and quite often they can’t wait for the whole darn period to be over and done with, so that they can retreat back into their usual routines..  If you are one of the many people who suffer from social anxiety, whatever form it takes – you don’t have to despair – something can be done about it. You can develop more confidence and self-assurance, feel more at ease and relaxed around other people, and speak and act with more grace, ease and eloquence – and start to enjoy yourself!

Using techniques of visualisation, self-hypnosis, positive self-suggestions and affirmations, you can start to build new confident social circuitry in your brain, and with a little practice and persistence, you can gradually erase those old anxious habits your unconscious mind has got into.

First of all, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed for about 15 to 20 minutes. Sit down in a comfortable chair. Relax your body as much as possible. Close your eyes. Now just become aware of your breathing, noticing the in-breath and the out-breath. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and deeply. With each out-breath, imagine that all your thoughts, cares and worries are flowing out of your mind, and all tensions are flowing out of your body.

Now, think of a social situation that you might find yourself in in the near future that you might feel a little anxious about – it can be real or imagined. Picture yourself in the situation. Think of how you would like things to go – how you would like to feel, act, speak and think in that situation – everything going as well as you can possibly imagine.

Here are a few things you can visualise for yourself:

1) Imagine yourself just before the event: * Feeling positive and looking forward to the event * Looking forward to getting to know new people * Looking forward to relaxing and enjoying yourself.

2) Imagine yourself in the situation: * Feeling calm, relaxed, happy, self-assured, confident * Feeling good about yourself * Your breathing calm and relaxed * Your whole body feeling relaxed and at ease.

3) Visualise yourself in the situation: * Standing or sitting up straight, with your head up and your shoulders relaxed * Moving about in a relaxed, open, easy manner * Approaching and joining a group of people * Smiling and making eye contact with people * Asking another person questions about themselves; responding with interest; sharing information about yourself and/or your interests; focusing on the other person/people; chatting in a calm, relaxed manner.

4) Imagine the following thoughts going through you head (repeat them silently to yourself now): * I feel relaxed, confident and at ease * I feel good about myself * Everyone looks friendly here * It’s going to be fun to meet new people and find out about them * I can easily approach someone and say hello and introduce myself * It’s easy to ask someone questions about themselves and get a conversation going * I can easily approach a group, listen to what’s going on, and join in the conversation.

5) Spend a few minutes seeing yourself, in your mind’s eye, at the social event and imagining things going in the best way possible and visualising yourself feeling, acting, speaking and thinking in your ideal way. (Try to come up with words, feelings and images of your own that best suit you and your personality – and keep them positive!)

Now let the thoughts, feelings and images of that situation fade from your mind for now and just allow yourself to relax and feel calm and peaceful. Bring your awareness back to your breathing process, noticing the in-breath and the out-breath as you relax down deeply into your chair for a few moments. Now start to take some deeper breaths, bringing your awareness back to your body, to the room or surroundings where you are sitting. Imagine smiling to yourself inside and feeling calm, relaxed and confident. When you are ready, open your eyes and have a stretch before getting up and resuming your day.

Practice the above exercise a few times over the week (or two) before the next social event you are due to go to – and start to notice an increasing positive transformation in yourself and your confidence!

For further help and guidance about hypnotherapy, personal coaching, relaxation skills, emotional therapy, mindfulness techniques and cognitive-behavioural therapy (including cognitive emotional behaviour therapy) – for social anxiety or any other issues you may have – contact Amanda Jackson-Russell at AJR Hypnotherapy (see above right for contact details), based near Epsom in mid-Surrey, UK.

(P.S. Apologies – I meant to post this article a bit earlier, before Halloween – so I hope you have managed to survive intact in the meantime..)

 

Stuckness.. Negativity.. Acceptance.. And Changing The Energy..

Stuckness..  Negativity..  Acceptance..  And Changing The Energy.. 

What can you do when, whatever you try, you seem to be getting nowhere?  You are beating yourself up because you are overweight, you are out of work, you have no money coming in, you have bills to pay, you can’t afford stuff for your kids, you have health problems, your partner has problems too..  or you are all alone..  You may be using alcohol to blank out from your worries.. or medications or drugs..  but you know that is not a good solution, but however much you try, you just can’t seem to break out of the “habit”..  You feel that life is just passing you by..  You may feel you are “past your prime” in life..  You’re just never going to get anywhere..  You are stuck.

And you seem to have been stuck forever..  You have tried numerous ways of attacking the problem, but nothing seems to get you out of your stuckness.  You have asked other people for help, you have tried all the methods you know have worked for others, you have tried all the methods that used to work for you in the past..  But nothing is working now..  You are frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted, totally fed up with making the effort, totally fed up with living like this..  But you can’t give up..  But nothing you do seems to make a difference.  You’ve heard the term “just keep going”, things will get better eventually, just keep the faith, keep trying, it will work out in the end..  But it has been going on for so long…  You are not sure if you have anything left in you to keep trying anymore..  And you are not even sure anymore what it is you are trying to do, or what you need to keep trying to do..  You’ve lost the plot..  You had dreams, but they all seem impossible now, pie-in-the-sky, so far away..  it all seems futile..  You can’t remember the last time you felt good.. about yourself.. or your life..  You just want to sleep..  or go hit the bottle and blot it all out..

Your brain hurts with constantly going round and round, trying to figure out how to solve the problem..  You keep trying to think of other options, other methods of attack, other opportunities, other ideas, other roads, other directions..  You are just so exhausted and frustrated and totally fed up with it all..  You know you are not lazy..  You know you are intelligent, resourceful, creative, hard-working..  You know you have skills, talents, qualifications, and lots of things you can offer the world..  But you just can’t seem to figure out a way to get out there and make use of all this positive stuff you have..  Why can’t you solve the problem?!  You’ve tried lots of different things..  But you just seemed to come up against constant obstacles, closed doors, resistance, rejection..  You are totally discouraged, have lost all confidence in yourself, and you’ve lost all faith in the world in general.. 

You know that there are lots of other people in the world who are much worse off than you – whether due to culture, religion, geographical location, economy, politics, poverty, lack of opportunity, lack of education, lack of food/warmth/home/work, war, terrorism, famine, earthquakes, floods, drought, tsunamis, hurricanes, and so on..  You should be grateful for what you have – food, warmth, clothes, friends, technology, whatever..  But you just can’t..  The word “gratitude” just irritates you..  You just can’t connect with it, you can’t feel it..  You’ve heard of the “law of attraction”, that you get back what you put out..  So is it all your own fault?!  So you beat yourself up again for being a whingeing, whineing, moaning minnie..  Why don’t you just get off your ass and do something?!  But what?  You feel as though you have tried everything you can think of, but you just seem to go round in circles..  or you get nowhere at all..  You’re stuck.  There must be another way, another approach, some other route or method you haven’t thought of yet..  Your brain hurts..

So what do you do?  Accept?  So what is acceptance?  Is it giving up?  You can’t do that.  What about acknowledgement?  What about “going with the flow”?  What about stopping resisting?  Letting go?  Trusting the universe?  What does all this mean?  You’re not sure you know what all this means.  How can you “go with the flow” when you are stuck?

Releasing and letting go of negative energy (thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, and so on).  You feel sure it’s something to do with this.  But how do you do that? 

Small steps..  Small efforts..  Repetitive small efforts..  Small changes..  Persistent, consistent changes..  That last bit sounds too much to be able to do, to keep up..  Let’s go back to small steps and small efforts..  and repeating them whenever you feel you can.  You’re still not sure how you let go of negative energy etc..  The negative stuff is part of your daily life, your daily routine, your unconscious habits..  Well, if we can’t start with releasing the negative stuff just yet, how about trying to introduce a few positive things first..  Maybe if you do that, and keep doing it, little by little, the positive energy will start to push out the negative stuff..  What little positive things can you do?  Well, do one or two things that make you feel a bit better.  Do your hair, do your make-up, brush your teeth, have a shave, have a relaxing bath, wear something pretty or smart.  Play some music you like, watch a movie you love, or a comedy show.  Tidy up, do the laundry, do the dishes, make the bed.  File some papers that need filing.  Tidy your clothes away.  Take a walk.  Feel the sun/rain/wind on your face.  Watch the birds outside, listen to the breeze rustling the trees, look up at the sky.  Read a book.  Phone/skype/email/text a friend.  Arrange to meet up with a friend/ someone who makes you feel good.  (NB. Avoid negative/ critical/ unsupportive/ unsympathetic people!)  Meditate/listen to a guided visualisation.  Attend a workshop/lecture.  Join a class or club.  Go to the gym.  Do some yoga/tai chi.  Go for a run/jog/swim/bike-ride.  Drive somewhere nice in the car or travel somewhere on the train/bus.  Visit the seaside.. or a river, garden, meadow, lake, mountain.. whatever..  Draw, paint, write poetry.  Write a blog or write in your journal/diary.  Be creative in the kitchen.  Stroke the cat.  Take the dog for a walk.  Play with your kids.  And be present with all of these moments and experiences.  Be “mindful” of them.  Savour any good feelings..  and commit them to your bank of good memories and experiences..

Look at old photos of good times..  places and people and experiences that evoke happy memories.  Remember back to good times and places and people and experiences..  Daydream and relive some of these happy times if you can..  just for a little while..

And acknowledge..  that you are taking small positive steps, doing small positive things..  Congratulate yourself.  And accept..  Accept yourself for what and who you are at the present moment, and for where you are at the present time.  Accept that you are doing the best you can at the present time.  Sometimes that is the very best we can do..  and the only thing we can do..  Be kind to yourself.  Be patient with yourself.  Little by little, know that the energy is changing..  that you are helping to change the energy..  adding a little positive here and there..  and little by little replacing and releasing the negative..

Amanda Jackson-Russell, BSc (Hons), PhD (Neuroscience), Clinical & Cognitive-Behavioural Hypnotherapist, Emotional Therapist, EFT Practitioner, Stress Management Consultant/ Relaxation Skills Trainer, Meditation & Mindfulness Instructor, Reiki Master, Spiritual/Energy Healing Facilitator, Healer Member of NFSH, Medical/Health Writer & Editor. AJR Hypnotherapy Surrey and Energessence Natural Healing. Epsom, Ewell, Ashtead, Leatherhead, and surrounding areas, Surrey, England.

Relaxation Skills Training (Applied Relaxation) and It’s Benefits – Part 2

In my blog entry of 30th April 2013, I discussed the benefits of Relaxation Skills Training (or Applied Relaxation) in comparison with attending the occasional yoga, Tai Chi or meditation class (which are great places to start learning relaxation skills). Here, I will describe the training in a bit more detail. For anyone who is looking to reduce or more effectively manage their “stress”, overcome panic attacks or phobias, break out of a cycle of anxiety or habitual worry, manage a stress-related illness, control exam anxiety, overcome performance anxiety, improve their work efficiency, reduce their levels of physical tension, or even enhance their creativity, this will explain the stages of relaxation skills training and the rationales behind them, so you can decide whether this is something that could benefit you.

As I mentioned in the earlier article, many people may have never experienced a state of deep relaxation. Even during sleep, the body and mind do not necessarily relax completely. In fact, contrary to experiencing relaxation during sleep, many people in our busy Western society either have disturbed sleep or difficulty sleeping, or find that even with a reasonable amount of sleep, they may have rather “active” dreams and wake up feeling less than rested or even exhausted!

Yet deep relaxation is usually the body and mind’s only respite from the constant drip, drip, drip of adrenaline and other stress hormones into our systems from the sympathetic nervous system (responsible for the “fight-or-flight” response and chronic stress/anxiety/tension states). In deep relaxation, the sympathetic nervous system is toned down or even switched off temporarily, allowing the other arm of our autonomic (automatic or “unconscious”) nervous system – the parasympathetic nervous system – to gain the upper hand for the time being. This part of the autonomic nervous system is responsible for rest, repair and recuperation – allowing body tissues to repair themselves, cells to build up energy stores, our hormone and immune systems to balance and strengthen themselves, body organs to have respite from the effects of chronic stress – in essence facilitating our body’s self-healing abilities. In addition, deep relaxation allows our thinking (analytical) mind and mental stress/anxiety circuits to rest and enables parts of the brain involved in relaxation, memory, creativity, learning and other nurturing activities to become stronger.

Relaxation skills training involves a number of stages, and the number and extent of the different stages can vary depending on a person’s existing skills and experiences, and their particular needs and inclinations. However, broadly speaking, the format of the training will have the same basic elements. Firstly, your body and mind experience deep relaxation, perhaps for the first time, so that you, your body and your mind know what they are aiming for (your “goal” – a relaxed state). And you then practise one or two, or more, relaxation techniques, so that you learn to elicit the relaxation response for yourself, and your body and mind get more and more familiar with this state through repetition of the practices (the body and mind/brain learn pretty much everything through practice and repetition until the state, or new skill, becomes a “habit”). The next stage is to learn to elicit the relaxation response at will (on demand, as it were) – sometimes called cue-controlled relaxation. You learn this first in the clinic room, then you practise doing it at home to reinforce this part of your new skill. When you feel comfortable and confident with being able to bring about relaxation “on cue”, you are ready to go to the next stage. This may involve rehearsing relaxation and maintaining that state while in hypnosis and while imagining situations that normally or previously might cause you anxiety or stress (this stage is sometimes called “hypnotic desensitisation” – you desensitise to the anxiety or stress situation by imagining it happening while in deep relaxation). The final stages – depending on your needs – often involve practising using your relaxation skills out in the real world (“exposure therapy”), first in low-anxiety/stress situations, then gradually, as you build up your skills and confidence more and more, in higher anxiety/stress situations, until you experience feeling relaxed more and more of the time, and finally you find you rarely experience anxiety or stress any more in day-to-day situations.

Of course, you won’t extinguish your ability to feel anxiety, fear or stress completely – and nor should you want to – as these responses, in appropriate (eg. life-or-death) situations, are vital to our survival. But – and this is the point – you will be able to have control over such feelings in situations where they are inappropriate and counter-productive.

As you can probably tell from this description, the art of relaxation takes practice and persistence if it is not your current usual state. But much of this is up to you and done at your own pace and in your own time (as “homework”) – so it needn’t take an endless number of clinic sessions. And the benefits will last a lifetime, and will probably extend your life, productivity and quality of life immeasurably too!

If you think you might benefit from relaxation skills training, meditation/mindfulness training or hypnotherapy and you’d like to book a consultation or find out more about skills training or therapy, or if you have any other questions, please contact me at AJR Hypnotherapy Surrey by email or phone (see top right of this page).

 

Reduce stress, overcome anxiety, increase self-esteem, give more confident presentations, become more assertive, and more, with AJR Hypnotherapy Surrey

Welcome to AJR Hypnotherapy Surrey, where we use the most up-to-date techniques of evidence-based clinical and cognitive-behavioural hypnotherapy as well as more traditional hypnotherapy approaches. AJR Hypnotherapy Surrey has clinics in Leatherhead and Great Bookham, Surrey, and in Ewell village, near Epsom, Surrey. The clinics are within easy reach of Fetcham, Cobham, Ashtead, Epsom, Oxshott, Headley, Boxhill, Effingham, Horsley, Guildford, Dorking, West Ewell, East Ewell, Cheam, Epsom, Stoneleigh, Chessington, Kingston-upon-Thames and Junction 9 of the M25.

AJR Hypnotherapy Surrey specialises particularly in stress management, anxiety management (including social or performance anxiety, exam or interview nerves), emotional issues (fears, past trauma), personal development (eg. self-esteem and confidence, assertiveness, goal setting and achievement, public speaking), skills training (eg. relaxation skills, self-hypnosis, coping skills, mindfulness, meditation, visualisation) and positive change, although other issues and conditions are also addressed.

Are you looking to:
– make positive life changes
– improve your confidence and self-esteem
– overcome emotional blocks or hang-ups
– reduce stress and learn relaxation skills
– rid yourself of anxieties, fears or panic attacks
– give more confident presentations
– change limiting thought or behaviour patterns that are holding you back
– overcome exam or interview nerves
– become more assertive
– overcome shyness or social anxiety
– achieve your goals
– overcome stage fright or performance anxiety
– enhance your professional or creative skills
– manage pain or health problems where conventional treatment has been inadequate
– get your career or personal life back on track
– improve your overall mental, emotional and physical wellbeing
– learn self-hypnosis, relaxation skills, coping skills, mindfulness, meditation, visualisation or other skills to help you manage your life more effectively…
?

If the answer to any of these is “Yes”, then hypnotherapy may be able to help.

AJR Hypnotherapy Surrey uses the latest techniques of evidence-based clinical and cognitive-behavioural hypnotherapy, as well as more traditional hypnotherapy approaches and techniques, to tailor treatment to your individual needs. For further information, to book an appointment, or to leave a message, phone 01372 279841 or email info@ajrhypnotherapy.co.uk